My last romantic kiss with a man was in India on August 1st 2013. Longing for that Indian in Bangalore played the biggest part in the first year of my quiet – good girl – celibacy but the 2nd year until now really is more a factor of my life and being overwhelmed by circumstance than anything else. I’m now in Bali for 2 months reviewing 5-star hotels and boutique villas – and well into year 3 alone – and wondering when is ‘enough’ enough?
I have never been one of those girls who needed a boyfriend. From a young age I was proud to live and travel independently and take care of myself (and later I was 100% financially responsible for my daughter and proud of that too) and I’m actually really, really happy alone. Well, that is probably less true now that my daughter has gone off to uni in the UK because she was truly the best part of my life and obviously that day-to-day fix is now gone.
Well, fast forward to today in Bali. I’ve been single without a proper boyfriend since 2005, and I kind of can’t remember what it was even like anymore. My last ‘sorta’ relationship was with that Indian but he would never introduce me to his parents so it wasn’t really a ‘real’ relationship in the traditional sense even though it came with all the same emotional weight of one, and that ended in August 2013.
To sum me up in the simplest terms, I’m a single, empty-nested woman, which to me is great. But I’m reviewing romance and honeymoon packages in Seminyak and Ubud for two months and it’s starting to mess with my head. Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing … but a single girl can only take so much simulated romance before she wants a real man to share it with … and not just my laptop ‘Eduardo’.
I hadn’t thought about needing or wanting a man since last year around my birthday. It’s honestly the last thing that I worry about in the scheme of life. Yet something about these romantic dinners and lunches and couples massages and extra special moments that I need to experience – ON MY OWN – in order to write about them is sort of screwing with me. I mean, all the other couples I run into while holding Eduardo in my arms look so loved up. And the things I am trying out would be so much better with someone… so maybe I’ve been wrong about thinking that I’m really great single all these years?
Okay so, psychology 101 … let’s just blame this on my Mom straight away! It is actually her fault. She always told me ‘ Angie, when it’s supposed to happen, it’s going to happen’ and I loved that concept of love and destiny. That concept meant I never had to do any online dating like so many people do or go put myself out there in an inconvenient way because MY man – you know a hot Australian rancher who looks just like Hugh Jackman from the Baz Luhrman film Australia with Nicole Kidman – well, he is out there somewhere and eventually I will meet him, move to the Australian outback, and live happily ever after. Without ever having to go onto FarmersOnly.com!
But what if that’s not true? And what if I stay single for many, many more years to come? Would that really be so bad? My gut says no way! Honestly, I’d rather stay single and keep living an amazing life of my choosing than to try and go find a man just for the sake of having a man. I really just want to unexpectedly happen one day to meet the man I’m supposed to grow old with.
Assuming all that is true, why are these bloody romance packages getting under my skin so much?
Of course on some level I’m jealous of what I see in these snoodled up, loved up, happy couples. Add onto that the cold hard truth that on some level I’m very lonely travelling solo around the beautiful ‘Island of the Gods’ (obviously one that is not buried down too far deep it seems). Yet also with that said, I know that the life I lead is much easier because I’m single. This may sound selfish but I don’t ever have to worry about anyone else’s feelings or schedule or have to check with anyone about jack diddly squat…because it’s just me.
I don’t know if there is a perfect answer to my scrambled up, mixed-up bag of feelings and issues I’m airing out today. Well, okay I know there is not. It feels good to throw my questions out onto the wind today though, which presently is at the W Retreat & Spa Bali in Seminyak on the beach…oddly enough situated on the Indian Ocean as if to add a poetic twist to me pondering romance and men again. Ahhhhh India, India, India…ever present even though I do try to move on (I swear!).
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